A Year Ago Today

Do you ever stop, take a second to reflect on your life, and just think about where you were a year ago? This honestly isn't something that I've really ever done until about two months ago and then more and more as of late. Taking a look back then, there's two versions of me. The one that everyone on the outside got, and then my version.

It's December 2021. I'm taking vacations to see my friends. I'm thinking of ideas that I want to be my NYR and following them through. I'm hiking and taking trips with Renni to random places I found that were pretty. I was motivated, driven and ready to go do something new every morning. A part of me the other day was thinking about this and getting upset with myself because I felt that I haven't been as motivated lately and just kind of lazy and relaxed with life. I was thinking about how I was going and doing something almost every day and night last year while working and making progress on things I wanted to do for myself and just consistently staying busy. Thinking about this made me sad and kind of feel like I had just fallen into this hole of boring.. but then I thought deeper. I had to remember that the girl a year ago that everyone saw for motivated and outgoing and wild fun, was also deeply hurt and broken down on the inside. I had to remember that I kept myself consistently busy and thinking about the next thing that I wanted to do because I couldn't sit with myself for five minutes and take in my reality without having an anxiety attack. I had to remember that I made myself sick the way I couldn't allow myself to be lazy and relax. I had to remember that I actually wasn't healthy or in the right mindset and that the girl from a year ago would've given anything to be this person I am today. Maybe I've fallen a little on the lazy side in life lately. I haven't been posting blogs (sorry fam), I haven't been exploring or hiking as much as I normally would be doing, working out as much as I'd like to, eating as healthy, but that's ok. Recognizing these things in the last couple of weeks, I've been making more of an effort to get back to that motivated person who I was, only mentally healthier this time. I'm doing my best to remain disciplined, but no longer prioritizing productivity over self. I'm doing things because I want to do them truly, not just as a distraction from the things inside my head that haunted me if I took a second for myself. I think it's so important to remember that we can all fall into a slum and that when we think back on ourselves in a time that we may have been doing more and better, that there's deeper than just "what was I doing" but "where was my headspace throughout all of this", also. Just a reminder to everyone who might be down right now or have some Winter blues, that everything isn't always as great as it seems and not to get down on yourself if you're not doing the absolute most that you possibly can right now, maybe that's a good thing.